Mathematics, reason, verbal language, computer programming… these are of the dominion of the head. The head is in charge, and is the appropriate place to concentrate your energy. But sexuality is in the realm of the body. Sex, dancing, martial arts, yoga… things like this are where the body is in charge. A major block many people are having to good sex is that they are stuck in their heads. You will be having much more pleasurable and fulfilling sensual experiences if you get out of the head and into the body.
The head can, and sometimes should, be involved in sexual experiences. It can help with discernment, decision making, and other things that are part of a healthy sexuality. Also, sexy thoughts, “dirty” talk, and fantasy can enhance your sex. But to experience SENSuality primarily through the SENSes is generally how you will have the best experiences.
People who have been raised female in our society tend to have more blocks in this regard, be way more stuck in their head about sex. Females are conditioned to be preoccupied with things during sex like, “Do I look attractive enough?” or “Will he respect me in the morning?” Let’s address these two very common thoughts right now.
First, stop focusing on whether or not you are desirable enough. That is objectifying yourself and treating yourself like an object to be acted upon, to be desired or not. Instead of expending any energy worrying about that, shift your focus to ask yourself, ‘What do I desire?’
And as for the second thought, personally I only hook up with people when I know there’s an underlying mutual respect. Even if it is just a one-time experience. There has been massive conditioning around males having sex being studs and females having sex being sluts. You must completely let go of this mindfuck if you buy into that at all. And there are plenty of guys (and other women and people of all genders) who have moved beyond that simplistic thinking and appreciate a woman who is happy to be a sexual being. Don’t waste your time (or heart or sexual energy) hooking up with people who might possibly not respect you for doing the exact same thing they did. 😉
People raised as females in our society have more been relegated to the upper realms of our beings ~ emotions, communication, intuition… these things have been strongly cultivated in us. However, people raised as males have been more relegated to the lower realms ~ money, sex, and power. So, for example, women tend to be less connected to their sexuality and expression of that, and men tend to be less connected to their emotions, and expressions there (unless the emotions are happy or angry, as men in our culture are permitted to feel those two, but not much else). Of course these are generalizations, I am indeed speaking generally. But either way, the truth is that we all possess abilities and expressions in all of these realms, and the most self-actualized humans are the ones who are connected to all of these important parts of ourselves.
Let’s explore a few of the blocks to connecting with the body and sex that often come with being raised female in our culture. I already mentioned the slut/stud dichotomy. Consider for a moment if this is a block for you. If so, I want you to reflect on any slut-shaming you have experienced, or that you do yourself. What healing or re-wiring do you need to do to shift out of this mindset? What will help you embrace women being desirous and active sexual beings? If you want, give yourself some homework of exploring your mindset in this regard, and consider how to shift to completely and unabashedly celebrating female sexuality and the female body. I just started this blog and just started making videos to help with things like this, and you can catch my videos on my YouTube channel here.
Another major block many women have is around body image. There is such immense pressure on females to live up to impossible beauty standards. They can get so wrapped up in what their bodies look like on the outside that it consumes all their focus and they are not paying attention to what sensations they are feeling inside their body. The vast majority of women struggle with body image. But you do not have to love your body to have amazing sex. And you certainly don’t need to be thin, or young, or lacking things like stretch marks or cellulite to have super hot sex. Body image is a colossal topic we will not get much into today, but I will give you a video below to help you get out of your head and into your body.
And as far as body image, if you feel like your vulva is ugly or abnormal, please know that that is merely bad programming, and that you are not alone in thinking that… but that actually your vulva is perfect just the way it is. There is great variation in the appearance of vulvas. (Vagina = the inside, Vulva = what you see on the outside) It can be very helpful for women to see other vulvas to realize that theirs is not abnormal at all. To see plaster molds of many different vulvas, check out The Great Wall Of Vagina.
A big block for people raised male is when they focus on “performance.” Hey everyone, we need to get rid of this idea of “performance” altogether. Many men feel so much pressure about their penis getting or staying erect, or not ejaculating before they want it to. A lot of men also feel a sense of inadequacy about the size or shape of this part of their body. Guys, step off the ‘stage.’ Come to a place of accepting what your body is naturally doing in each moment, and love it just the way it is. Your cock and your body deserve your unconditional love.
So bring it down, quiet the mind chatter, and come out of the head and go into the body for more fulfilling and more pleasurable sensual and sexual experiences. I made a short video to help people do this. If you want to skip the intro, start at 1:14. And, it’s a practice, so explore this practice for a while and allow it to become second nature. Please let me know if you have any questions. And may you connect in deeply with your body and sexuality!